This fine Saturday here in San Francisco, I managed to get together with some of my old high school friends and we decided to go downtown to watch a double feature. I’ve learned that most college kids prefer to hang out at cafes or parties, but my group of friends, we enjoy watching and sneaking into free movies. Talking can be very much overrated. After watching Brave, the new Pixar film, we were hyped up with childish glee and happiness that only a PG movie could fill our bodies with. So we were feeling rather optimistic about the next movie... that was until my friend pointed at the title. It just so happened to be the one with a certain president and this century’s latest obsession.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
Now, I learned a few things from this film. One, running for president can be a backup job when your real job is hunting down vampires. Two, 3D effects, gorgeous people, fancy dresses, and British accents can’t save a film when it really is that bad. And lastly, it’s probably best not to walk into the theatre during a sex scene.
Abraham Lincoln (Walker) was a normal kid with a normal life and normal everything. He was filled with humanity until his mother is one day killed by vampires. Cue the dramatic music. This ends up fueling the poor boy with rage that only vampires can cause and he trains with Henry Sturgess (Dominic Cooper) to defeat these wretched creatures. Along the way, he reunites with an old slave, William Johnson who becomes a lifelong friend. He meets new allies and enemies as well. The audience gets to see Mary Todd, Lincoln’s wife, as a determined, headstrong woman, who often gets her ways whether it be in the family or political affairs. We are able to choose our favorite characters, but ultimately, we know that Lincoln will survive all of this to sign the Emancipation Proclamation, end the Civil War, and unite our country once and for all.
Throughout the film, there are body parts flying everywhere. It’s one death after another. There are fights on horses, disfigured men with eyes that can only remind us of Mad Eye Moody from Harry Potter. We get to watch in slow motion as blood spurts from intestines and into Lincoln’s face. Quite frankly, the movie stumbled through transitions. Scenes kept getting cut off at parts when all we want is to see was what would happen next. The romance scenes between Lincoln and Mary are cliche, dark, and laughable. The fight scenes fumble between camera shots and squirting blood. And what do Lincoln and Snow White’s Huntsman have in common? They both use their handy dandy ax to get the job done! With fancy spins and martial arts inspired moves, you’re left wondering how Lincoln slaughtered more than a dozen vampires and then somehow be assassinated at Ford’s Theatre by a lowly has been actor.
All together, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter wasn’t completely horrible. I’ve seen quite a few terrible movies, but at least this one kept me entertained for a solid hour and forty-five minutes. It had many glitches, but it did bring a new meaning to historical fiction and Lincoln wasn’t a terribly bad looking man. If you want to see what 19th century vampires were capable of before glittery Cullen and the devastatingly gorgeous Salvatore brothers, you’ll want to see this. These vampires are the real deal with their invisibility and fear of silver.
Yet, the movie has left me wondering what George Bush’s side job was while he was in office. Watch out ladies and gentlemen. You may just see “George Bush: The Tale of a Southern Mummy’s Boy” coming to a theatre near you.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is now out. It’s rated R, featuring Benjamin Walker, Dominic Cooper, Anthony Mackie, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and Rufus Sewell.